maejenm01

After a major breakdown last night I have decided to try once again to make some changes.  I am 28 years old and am supposed to be having the time of my life, but I am literally being weighed down.  I have gained about 40 pounds in the last 6 months, which brings me to an astounding 365lb!  This really is not acceptable.  I have always been very active regardless of my weight, but with this last gain of 40lb, I am noticing a definite change in the things that I can comfortably do.  This gain has caused me to be very uncomfortable in my own skin and it is not something that I am willing to live with.  I realize that I need to make a change right now in order to lose weight and get my life back, but it is much easier said than done.  Today I took two important steps in starting my weightloss journey.  I signed up for weight watchers and I have come back to buddy slim to help keep me on track and help get my emotions out even if no one is listening (reading), it makes me feel a little better.  Hopefully I can follow the program this week and lose some weight and get on the road to feeling better about myself and becoming healthier again.

So here we are, it’s Wednesday, which for me means making another goal of the week.  Since I sucked so bad on exercising last week and I really don’t feel like doing anything again this week since it is TOM and I am crampy, achy and have ha a horrible headache since Sunday, and to top it off it is the first cold week we have had in Arizona, so of course all I want to do is lay in bed and snuggle.  Anyways, before I got off track, my point was that my goal of the week was going to be to get in 5-6 good exercise sessions this week.  I already knew that this was going to be my goal for the week, so I managed to drag myself to the gym today and sweat like a pig, so that leaves 4-5 workouts for the week :).  At least I got one out of the way and it did make me feel good to do something other than school or work…nice little stress release.  I have still been doing great with my water intake so hopefully I will maintain that goal for the week and meet my new goal.  Wish me luck. 

I have been doing great with my first goal of drinking at least 10-8oz glasses of water per day. I have actually met that goal each day and drank more than that on most day. I feel good about making a goal and reaching it daily. It gives me something to be accountable for. I have also been doing good with my eating this week. I haven’t been overeating or eat unhealthy for the most part. With the exception of a small piece of cake I ate on Saturday at my nieces birthday party, but I didn’t eat any of the other junk food at that party and I resisted the pizza and cake at my nephews birthday on Sunday which was the first time I have ever been able to resist cake I think, so needless to say I was proud. I also was able to resist alcohol this weekend and I actually lost weight over the weekend so maybe I have found the secret to my success. I did slack on the exercising big time which doesn’t make me happy so I need to make sure I work hard to fit it into my schedule this week.

I know it’s Wednesday and most people don’t start new things in the middle of the week, especially a goal for the week, but I have made a promise to my self to end the “I’ll start tomorrow or next week” mindset, so here I am starting my new “Goal of the Week” posts in the middle of the week. HAHA.  Since this is the beginning of these posts and hopefully the beginning of my new lifestyle, I am going to start out with something that sounds easy, but is actually very difficult when I’m working.  My first goal is to drink at least 10 glasses of water daily without any excuses!  This is one of the easiest parts of dieting and I love water, so I should be able to do this, but some days I am “just too busy” to drink that much.  What BS!  This week I am going to make the time to drink 10 glasses a day no matter what and hopefully I will feel better and lose a little weight while I’m at it.

On a side note, I went to the Dr. and got my blood drawn and even though I haven’t been eating as good as I should, all my bloodwork was beautiful.  My LDL (bad cholesterol) was even perfect!  The last time I had bloodwork done was about a year and a half ago and it was 112 (not too bad, but it should be below 100) and my other cholesterol values were all normal, but right on the edge of being high.  This time my LDL was 89 and everything else was right in the middle of normal range, so even if I haven’t been doing everything right and my weight has been bouncing up and down, I am thinking that even though my exercise isn’t shrinking my ass at this point, it did make a change in my blood work and that in itself is enough to keep me moving.

Before writing my blog today, I looked around to see who else had already blogged this morning.  Most of the blogs that I have been following haven’t had a new blog in weeks or even months, but there is one blog I can pretty much always count on being there on a daily basis and that is yours Susannah.  So first off, thanks for that.  I just got done reading Susannah’s blog and it was sooooo true that it made me angry with myself.  I am one of those people who is an emotional eater and anytime I get happy, upset, stressed out or simply feel like I am overwhelmed and don’t feel like there is enough time in the day to make good choices, then I skip out on exercising and pick up some fast food and eat horribly for the rest of the day thinking that “it’s ok, I’ll just start again tomorrow.”  This mind set is horrible and so far it hasn’t gotten me anywhere but 332 lb!  How many of those “I’ll start over again tomorrow or next Monday” days have I had in my lifetime to get where I am today?! 

I have never been a thin girl and I’m sure I will never be as thin as I want to be, but I don’t want to stay in this same cycle and keep gaining and losing the same 10lb every week when I ”fall off the wagon” and decide to jump back on.  I need to change my lifestyle for good and overcome the power of my emotions and use them for something other than an excuse to gain weight.  I don’t want to be in this unhealthy shell forever!  And if that means learning to control my emotions and cravings and making myself exercise everyday even when I feel like my feet are going to fall off if I take another step (haha), then so be it.  If I change my habits and swap them out for better ones, I’ll still be the same person, just actually have the chance to reach the goals that I have been struggling to get to! 

I think that starting now I am going to start a weekly blog (with other stuff in between if I have the time of course) called ”Goal of the week”.  This blog will give me one lifestyle changing goal to work towards every week and give me something to strive for and focus on.  Of course when the next week comes around and I add another goal of the week, I will still be successful with the previous goal and just add a new one to the list and see where it gets me.  If it ends up being too much change all at once then I may change it to every 2 weeks or goal of the month.  I just know I have to try something new.

So the last time I weighed myself this week was on Wednesday and I was down to 326, which was pretty amazing and I couldn’t even believe it.  It made me feel really good though…like I was finally doing something right.  Then I had to work 12 hour shifts on Thursday,Friday and Saturday and worked my butt off so I was sure I had at least maintained, but when I got on the scale this morning I was back up to 332.6!  I don’t know how that is possible.  It is so frustrating to see the numbers jump up so high in such a short amount of time and I just don’t get it.  I can understand when it happens after a weekend of eating bad or going out to the bar and drinking.  I don’t understand it when I have eaten good all week and went to the gym for an hour 4 days out of the week and the other 3 days I was on my feet for 12 hour shifts.  I just don’t get it and I never will.  I am very frustrated and don’t know what I can do to get past this frustration and keep going.  I feel like I am working toward an unattainable goal and I hate that.  I have been working hard to lose weight for the past 3 weeks now and I am back at the starting gate.  I don’t know why my weight fluctuates so much on a weekly basis when I am doing everything I am supposed to.  I can admit that I have not drank as much water as I should the past couple of days while I have been at work because I am so busy that I don’t have the time to go and fill my cup up 10 times a day.  So I only end up drinking like 5-6 glasses of water.  I don’t know what else I can or should do.  I’m at a loss for words.  Am I doing something wrong and I’m just in denial and can’t see it.  Please give me your honest opinion on what I am doing wrong or can do better and let me know if any of you have the same issue or had it in the past…I need some help here. 

Thank god this morning when I got up to go to the gym for my workout, I got on the scale and it showed a 2.5 pound loss!  I cannot even describe the excitement I felt from this loss.  I wanted to jump up and down and scream like I just won the lottery, but I didn’t.  I jumped back on the scale because I’m a sceptic and thought maybe it was off balance or something.  I know I’m a freak, but if I’m gonna be excited, I want to be absolutely certain I have something to celebrate.  Haha.  So after weighing in I got dressed to go to the gym, but then changed my mind and changed into my suit to go for a swim instead…needed to switch up my routine a little so I don’t get tired of the same hum-drum workout.  So I go to the gym, shower off and head to the pool to swim some laps.  There is a cutesie little lifeguard there and 4 elderly people in the pool, so I walk over and start getting in, I walk slowly down 4 stairs leading into the pool and I slip and fall (a booty flop if you will) and cause a huge splash and everyone starts staring!  It was so embarassing, but I laughed my butt off at myself and the thought of it is making me giggle right now actually.  I don’t really know why I decided to share that story, but I’m a goofball hope that my uncoordination gives someone else a reason to laugh today.  I’m just glad I didn’t get hurt.  Anyways I had a good swim, but laps get boring after a while without any music to keep you going, but it was nice to switch things up.  Tomorrow I will probably do my normal 40 minute cardio, 20 minute strength, but maybe I’ll feel up for another trip to the “slip and swim”.  I know I will do something though because I want to be able to feel that excitement about a loss as often as possible.

I have been out of the loop for a while, but I just took some time to catch up on reading some blogs and decided to give an update on how I’m doing.  I have rededicated myself once again a little over 2 weeks ago and I have been eating healthy and exercising for an hour 5 days a week and I am feeling good about it although I haven’t really seen any results on the scale I have been able to increase my gym time and resistance so I know that it is infact doing something.  I have lost about 1.5 pounds, but nothing other than that…it’s frustrating, but I’m trying not to let it effect the effort I am putting into it because I know deep down that if I stick with it I will see results eventually.  I feel like maybe when I step on the scale on friday I will be down 3 or 4 pounds.  That would make me really happy, so I am gonna work really hard this week to make that happen.  Other than that, I had the flu last week that put me out of commission for 2 days.  Work has been busy and school has been even busier.  I did really well on my cardiac exam last tuesday so I was very happy about that.  And I’m even happier about the fact that I graduate in 9 weeks!  Then I just have to study for the Nursing exam and I will be a liscensed RN!  Can’t wait…it’s been a long road that’s for sure, but well worth it.  Hope everyone has a good week.  Later 

Today was one of my days off and therefore a good day to start getting back into the swing of things.  I started my day with a healthy breakfast, then was off to run errands…Dentist, Vet, video store, grocery store, work to pick up a check, the bank and then finally home.  I was supposed to go to the gym after running all of these errands, but for some reason after running around in the 100 degree Arizona I just wasn’t feeling up to it.  Haha.  So I came home ate some lunch and did a little bit of home work and fooled around on the internet.  I thought about going to the gym all day, but just couldn’t do it today, found every excuse not to go, but didn’t do much worth while in place of going.  After I ate dinner, I went to my best friends house to visit because she just had a baby last Thursday and I haven’t seen the baby in a few days and just love snuggling with the little angel.  I didn’t end up getting home from her house until after 8:30, so I was all set to just say oh well the day is done and mutter my famous last words… ”I’ll exercise tomorrow”.  But instead of letting myself do that, I put my comfy clothes and walking shoes on and made myself go for a walk.  I did my usual trek of 2 miles around my neighborhood and I am feeling better already.  I love how something as simple as going for a walk can make me feel so much better about myself.  Wish I had the dedication to do it daily…hopefully I will get there some day.  Well for now, I better go because I have some homework to do for tomorrow.  Won’t be exercising tomorrow because it is really hard after working a 12 hr shift on your feet, then having to do another 12 hr shift the next day.  When I was at the store though I did stock up on lean cuisines because they are fast, filling, healthy and taste great, hopefully they will keep me from picking up fastfood on my way home tomorrow.  Good luck everyone and thanks for the encouragement.

Sorry I have been out of the loop for a while.  I started doing bad again once I started my new job because I felt too busy to cook and too busy to go to the gym and on my days off all I want to do is sit around and watch my ass get bigger I guess.  I love my new job and I am very active while I am there, but afterward and on my days off I am completely useless.  I have been too ashamed to show my face around here even though I know you guys are the best support a girl could ask for, it is hard to admit that I was doing so good and let it all go due to my own laziness!  Do I really have no willpower?  If so, that is terribly sad.  I feel like such a failure because I know what I want and I don’t do what it takes to make it happen!  It makes me so angry that I am a “go getter” in every other aspect of my life, but the one thing I want more than anything I can’t seem to acheive because I am lazy and like to take the easy way out of everything and unfortunately that means eating fast food and not exercising because I just don’t have the time or energy!  What a bullshit excuse!  I can’t stand that I do this to myself.  It really is quite pathetic.  Am I punishing myself for something and trying to make myself unhappy or am I just such a food addict that I can’t help myself?  These are the questions I have been pondering during my time away from buddy slim and I still have no answers, so I’m gonna give it a try once again and hope that I stick with it this time.  I don’t know that starting out angry is the way to go, but we shall see I guess.  In all reality I wasn’t doing too horrible to begin with because I was so active at work I was able to maintain my weight loss until I started back to school on the 18th.  Because school stresses me out and keeps me very busy along with work I have been even worse and more lazy and eating on the go all the time.  Needless to say, my weight maintainance has went out the window since school started and I am back up to 333, which is the weight I was at when I started buddy slim.  I am on my period this week too, just started and I am bloated and crampy and just plain bitchy and I got a bad grade on my first test today to boot!  hopefully at least a little bit of the weight is from being bloated, guess I will find out in a week.  Sorry about my ranting, but I am so upset with myself that I can’t stand it and rather than keeping it in and stuffing it deep down inside with some kind of delicious treat that will make me feel even worse in the long run, I thought I would blog about it and try starting over tomorrow!  Sounds like a good plan at the moment and even as I am typing I am feeling a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders (which is good because my back i killing me from these damn cramps. haha). So tomorrow is my new day to start over and make some progress for good.  I do not want to be this person.  I do not want to be the fat girl for the rest of my life.  I do not want to be the girl who meets people multple times because they never take the time to find out who I am and therefore forget meeting me!  I do not want to be the girl who never has a long term relationship.  I do not want to be the girl who never has kids and most importantly I do not want to be the girl who gets winded walking up a flight of stairs!  I know that I am still young right now, but I am not getting any younger, I need to mke major changes in my life right now damn it!  No one can do it for me, this is one thing that I have to take into my own hands and make it happen!

Thanks and sorry to all who took the time to read this.